From someone who is tired of crying ..

As I continue to type, my mind races with the issues and experiences that may have brought us to this point, I have to admit I am feeling scared like a small child with skeletons in the closet. I should extend my congratulations to you as I am currently shaking very severely and trying to remember to breathe as I write this. Overall, I am damn terrified that the information in this email will return and haunt me in some negative way that the universe has yet to have yet determined.


I am of better analytical mind in email, so I will be taking the last email as a series of, for lack of better words, problems that I need to address. After taking a breath and calming down enough to continue writing, I will add to these issues the difficulties I have while facing them from my perspective and reiterate some previously discussed items in past CDI's.


I have two major medical disorders, Anxiety and major depression, with therapy, I am even considered high functioning in both of those categories. However, they are my constant companions and often do not go hand in hand very well. There are some days where one call, one personalized email is quite a lot, and unlike before, when I would allow that steep decline. I know that they will cause a deep decline in my mental and physical wellbeing. I don't eat or sleep, let alone take care of basic needs in those cases. I worry. During those times, something like the continuous chant of "15 calls or 30 emails", can cause me an honest to goodness panic attack. Which then results in my not being able to do much of anything else as the need for essential life functions such as heartbeat and regular breathing take more precedence.


I was working with the technology available to me to allow you a "glimpse" into my brain and what is currently on my plate. As you stated, you will not be willing to work with technology outside of your toolset. It is a tool that I will be emailing to marketing to use as it is something better suited to replace unnecessary continuous email chains. Whether I email them or not, it shouldn't be of concern to you or asking for help when I make no mention of a specific account. I phrased my questions to explain the basics and nothing more. Also, HIPPA Agreements are for dealing with specific information, not generalizations.


You mentioned it yourself; you have a lot to take care of, you have brokers, family, and other clients. I didn't want to be the inconvenience for you for a stupid question. Right now, I am honestly becoming terrified of you. Squishing an idea is one thing, but making me scared asking for help from teammates with an instant reply not to do it again reminds me of another person in my life previously, and it isn't a fond memory. Now I am afraid to ask for help from anyone, and I don't know when your fuse may detonate again so I can't ask you for fear of some form of retribution. I settled myself to looking things up on my own and asking general questions when I didn't understand something. As I want to stay on amicable terms, I decided not to bother you with said general questions.


I have no other alternatives at this point than to use email or text, as I had previously tried adding my notes to items in CCLM so you would have that line of communication that you desired. Since we are now at this point, i realized my efforts were futile, and they made no difference in opening that way of communication between us.


On to the next issue, since you not so subtly required both my video camera and audio to be on for video conferences. I reverted to listening to recordings as my way of receiving information. I used to mute the conversation so the mike didn't pick my voice up as Spock or I may have been making unnecessary noise that may disrupt the meeting at hand for everyone else involved, and I didn't want to be the cause of that problem. But as it would be an issue brought up on every review. I felt I had to make both of these items happen or not show, no other choice, no room for interpretation. I live in a single room apartment, and noise is a thing I can't escape and do you think it would be fair to the one thing that mattered in my life, my cat, if I had to cause him panic by locking him or myself in the bathroom? The bathroom fan's noise alone would generate enough feedback that having my mike would cause the broadcast to have audio problems. So, I went back to just listening to the recordings since I couldn't do both required tasks and you would mention them next time we met it would be a lose-lose match. So I made the loss complete and decided it would be better to understand the, as you mentioned confusing subject. I could concentrate better this way and rewind without missing critical information.


Yes, school is important to me, and I set aside my time to work on everything as I can, currently since the courses have become more complicated, I put more time aside for school. The work at school is towards the actual career I would like to pursue, And I don't believe that has gotten through in this case. So I would like to iterate again that, school is important to me and I will cut work hours to complete school projects and the like. Since, as it is always stated during every meeting, "my business."


As for setting aside time, I set aside time to go over the recordings for the Monday meeting which takes time out of my schedule as I want to make sure I understand what may be going on in that neck of the woods.


If I am making extra time for these meetings, and listening everything the first time it goes in one ear and out the other since I am on camera and my mike is on. I don't understand what's going on with the topics discussed then I have to take more time to look through everything once again—making me fall behind again as I am too afraid to ask anything. Because I don't want to make you mad, so I continue getting even more behind. So, in my mind, I am in another lose-lose situation, I could have used that time for other things, like school where I see a chance of picking my battle and winning.


Now all I can do is see the losing side of this battle; there has been no situation that I thought I could fox out a win. So motivation is not there; why should I be excited to be told everything I have been doing is wrong. And I can't correct it because I'm too afraid of you to ask, I can't ask anyone else on the GroupMe. After all, you'll see it and somehow immediately text me I was wrong but give me no way to remedy the issue except to be driven to pure insanity by the phone system. I found out they weren't helping, so I looked it up on my own and was ready to try something they haven't thought of yet. But you told me, no, my excitement and motivation were poof, gone. I thought it was because you could see how excited I was that I figured it out, that's why you said no because I figured it out and it wasn't through your means.


So I have had many situations Jinx, where it felt like every side, was a losing one. I was coachable till I couldn't do anything right by your standards in your way, I was attentive to every meeting till I had to get worried about being presentable on camera when I have severe self-esteem issues. I was making progress, but that didn't matter, I wasn't doing the goals you had set for yourself. I was happy I got on a phone and didn't stutter when trying to say my name. My heart was pounding so loud I could hear it in my ears when I try and act enthusiastic. I felt light-headed when I got a positive reply, or someone remembered my name. Those were my wins, though they don't matter much to you, they were showing me that i made a step forward.


I am tired of being scared.


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